Ten Miles Down That Road Again! & The "Middle Wife!!"

I lost 5 pounds this week and reached my first goal....Gave myself a GOLD STAR in my journal...Have been faithfully tracking all I eat and haven't been eating any potatoes, bread, corn or peas & have been drinking plenty of water...I eat lots of good green & yellow vegetables...They fill you up and stay with you...Got up at 5am to take my son to the VA hospital for his colonoscopy!!!..My how they have changed since I had mine...Now they sedate them and he had to have a driver to take him home...I don't like driving in Minneapolis, so I was thrilled that he could drive after all....We stopped at a Goodwill store in Apple Valley and they had a lot of items, but I thought they were a little high on some of them...so passed them up....Wednesday is senior discount day, so will be going there on Wednesdays from now on....Will try and get some pictures of what I bought and post them by Thursday....The gal that was doing our weight posting isn't going to do it any more, so I decided to send the picture of my weight to my son Pat every week...He is also going down "That Road Again", so will be the perfect person to see me weigh every week....No cheating then on my part....I got into some pants that I haven't been able to in over a year and needless to say I was thrilled....My saying for the day is:

"Feed The Soul Not The Taste Buds"

The "Middle Wife"

You gotta love kids!
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it
in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put
a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,
Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked
around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing
a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)


'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water20flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they
all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a
lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him
for crawling up in there.'


Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest... Ever since then, when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle
Wife' comes along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along
to someone else to spread the laughs.. I know what I did!!!

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy

BEAUTIFUL MONDAY "AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED!"

I was e-mailed this series of jokes by my lovely Daughter In Law and I hope you enjoy them (and laugh) as much as I did!

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive …

so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age..

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on
your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started…

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"

Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started….

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.

I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started…..

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’

My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’

And then the fight started …

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.

So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started….

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started….

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the House.. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

‘When you finish cutting the grass,’ I said, ’you might as well sweep the driveway.’

and then the fight started…